Dear Hetalia:
by Chaos Box
Summary: From the loss of Russia's vodka, to rants about the keeping of turtles. Just what do the nations ask their secretaries to send the others? A story told through emails. Inspired by having to write business letters in school.
1. From Germnay to Prussia

Dear Mr. Beilschmidt

I am contacting you on behalf of Ludwig in concern for your lack of enthusiasm in meetings up till this point in time. Your presence is welcome, however it is required that you at least pretend to pay attention to ensure that others are not distracted. I have also been notified by your brother that a small bird is often let loose in meetings should you show up to a meeting. If this animal is yours, it is asked that you keep it to yourself.

Your brother Ludwig, and acquaintance Mr. Lovino Vargas, have also asked me to inform you that cooing over and poking the youngest of the Axis is strictly prohibited and said person does not wish to drink your beer. Should issues like this continue to occur with your unwelcome treatment towards Feliciano, Ludwig will come to speak with you personally in the chance Lovino doesn't find you first. I quite personally would recommend praying that it is only your brother who will talk to you in concern for your safety should Lovino catch you doing such things to his younger brother again. On a side note, please refrain from calling Mr. Vargas by the nickname "Lovi". Nor does he appreciate "Lov", "Lovli", "Tomato Boy", "Lovina", "Romana", or things associated along the lines of "Mini Spain".

It has also risen to the attention of Mr. Braginski that the vodka has often been found to be mysteriously missing from the lounge during meetings and has come to me in suspicion. If you find the culprit, please let Ivan or I know in a timely manor that you should find acceptable. If this issue is not resolved within the next week, you, along with Mr. Kirkland, Mr. Carriedo, Mr. Bonnefoy and Ludwig will be handed over to him for a trial which we have no control of being that each of you are being suspected as possible culprits, whether you drank it or simply took it. Each of them have beseeched you to help in the search of the true culprit and apprehend him to Mr. Braginski as soon as possible, yet again with safety concerns.

Should you come to America again, please refrain from intruding on Mr. Jones' property without permission and continue to proceed in terrifying him with the sound effects application on your phone. As of now, it is presumed that Ludwig is apologizing on your behalf with Mr. Kirkland whom is attempting to coax Alfred out of his closet in which he is fully armed. It would indeed be appreciated to limit actions that cause this form of reaction, as this will have been the second time in the course of a week this has occurred. Mr. Kirkland was not pleased with this and sent Matthew to receive a formal apology, this however appears not to have worked on Mr. Kirkland's own fault. Since it seems to be that Mr. Williams is much too quiet and you did not do so much as to open the door. If you could find the courtesy to do so, Arthur has requested that you apologize to him in person on your own time for taking up his.

If perhaps you see any individual sleeping, it is best not to wake them. Especially when they're in their own home. A complaint from Mr. Ludwig himself. As long as you should remain in his house, it is asked that you remain quiet till at least 6:30 am so that he may receive the healthy and normal amount of sleep of eight to twelve hours rather then six and under. Just because the Play Station, XBox, NES and other gaming consoles exist in the house does not mean you are to play them insistently at full volume every hour of your waking life that you are not attending meetings. Ludwig requests that you might also stop "singing" in the shower. Though he lives with you, he's requested that I write you a letter so he will not be interrupted in speech.

If these tasks could possibly be corrected and carried out in a timely manor that would be greatly appreciated by your brother, as this is a compiled list of complaints he has received in the past day or so. He thoroughly suggests that you take the vodka seriously as he and the multitude of suspects fear for their safety concerning Mr. Braginski's history. Please act or return a letter to the secretary's office along with the several other letters we have forwarded you in the past week.

Sincerely,

Hilde Schauffner

Ludwig Beilschmidt's secretary


	2. A Friendly Reminder

Dear Mr. Carreido

As the current connection between Mr. Vargas and yourself, I have yet another list of complaints and somewhat irrational irritations from above. Though I and the rest of our staff realize that most of these letters sit on your desk, most times unread, Mr. Vargas has yet to figure this out. Speaking of which, please consider cleaning your desk off before he comes to visit next Thursday.

We ask in the future that you take your turtles home with you. Mr. Vargas is not fond of them, nor is he fond of the fact that there is now a small infestation of them here in Rome. He has requested in words I will not permit to touch this page that you come to clean up this "mess" of turtles and would like to remind you over a _calm _dinner this Friday that he has no interest in starting a turtle farm in his office. There is already one for tomatoes so there is no more room unfortunately.

As a continuation, do not harvest tomatoes from said farm without the permission of Mr. Vargas. He states that he does not care if yours have not grown yet and proceeded to insult your tomato growing technique.

Thank you for taking the time to read this message. He will inform you of the more explicit details over the previously mentioned dinner.

Sincerely

Katerina Paolini

Lovino Vargas's Secretary

...

...

Dear Mr. Carreido

I would like to inform you that the previous secretary has been fired due to a lack of understanding in anger and Mr. Lovino Vargas in general. As of now, Mr. Vargas is packing a bag and will be making an early visit. He wishes to express himself in person rather then through writing so that he may yell and insult in ways that paper will never capture.

Have you by any chance lost your bull? If so, you may find him chewing on the Camellias in front of the Southern Italian Conference Building. I wish to remind you that El Toro is not welcome on our lawn and has attempted to charge our staff on multiple occasions. Please deal with this threat immediately as we do not have any on-hand matadors. Please ensure thaDs8u93;lewNHYTEnkhfe78eff

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Spain you bastard! Now I have to fire two damn secretaries! Why am I the only one in this damn place that yells at people through email?! I'm too lazy to delete the above text of my fight over the keyboard so you can just deal with it Tomato Bastard. I'm coming over there right now to give you a piece of my mind and you sure as hell are going to get your God damn bull off my lawn or I'll rip up yours with my brother's mess of a tank. I'll be there in two hours and so help me if I have to drag you onto a plane so you can clean up these stupid turtles, figlio de troia, you'll deal with that too. I will continue to yell at you through skype on the Jet.

P.S: I certainly _do not _have a tomato farm in my office

P.S.S: Have you figured out who took the vodka yet?

Insincerely

Lovino Vargas

And the now (also) fired secretary of Lovino Vargas


	3. Issues Concering Maple and Closets

Dear Mr. Jones

I have been assigned with the task of ensuring you have made your way out of the broom closet. My boss's more precise words being; "Make sure Alfred comes out of the closet." However, in this situation, I have found it more appropriate to use the word "broom" in the sentence. Though your absence at today's meeting was found tolerable, Mr. Kirkland does not wish to have to fill you in on details and shall no longer be asking Mr. Williams to be running his errands for reasons that are not of your concern. Should you have any questions concerning the meeting's agenda, Mr. Honda has volunteered to explain any of your uncertainties.

Should Mr. Gilbert Beilschmidt be found on your property unattended again, his brother has given consent for mild self defense without the involvement of firearms. This was communicated quite clearly to Mr. Kirkland in today's meeting. We still await a response from said person who made no effort to show up earlier this morning. Should that be an inconvenience, Mr. Kirkland has made an offer to drag him across half way across the Earth to meet you at the Conference of the Allies that will be held in two days in Moscow, as this was the final day of the World Conference.

Mr. Kirkland would like to gravely stress that you help in the search of a certain alcoholic beverage as he does not feel comfortable sitting in the same room as Mr. Braginski until it is found. Not that he ever feels all that comfortable with it. Should you find it, please do _not_ bring it to Mr. Kirkland, the Beilschmidt brothers, or Mr. Carreido. It is requested by Arthur that you give it to Mr. Francis Bonnefoy to return to Mr. Braginski. Being that the next conference is to be held in Mr. Braginski's country, it is best to place your utmost concern in Mr. Kirkland and cooperating's safety.

After meeting up with your brother, Arthur would be very grateful if you would respect his wishes and leave Mr. Williams' pantry alone. He does not enjoy the continuous pattern of finding his ground beef and sirloin on your barbecue. He has also stated that he refuses to send you your next shipment of bacon until it is made up for. Mr. Williams would appreciate it if you would ask before raiding his pantry and fridge. As well as the fact that should you come over for hockey night, beer should absolutely not take the place of his maple syrup in the fridge as cooler syrup tastes better, in his own opinion, on pancakes. By the chance you should require things, Mr. Williams asks that you send a polite letter in contrast to your knocking on his door at 2am. He does not care about time zones and enjoys sleep as much as any normal person should. Matthew has used Arthur to speak to since you have paid no attention to Mr. Williams' messages in your inbox.

Should you come out of the [broom] closet in a timely manner, please proceed to contact Mr. Honda, Mr. Kirkland, and Mr. Williams about the above topics through the addresses already on your contacts list. Mr. Kirkland will be seeing you in two days time in Moscow. Take care till then.

Sincerely

Jonathan Aikman


	4. Pastilas in Venice?

Dear Mr. F. Vargas

I am pleased to inform you on behalf of Mr. Braginski that you are now assigned a very important role. Should you see any other nations in the possession of traditional vodka, please contact Mr. Braginski at even a moment's notice so the culprit may be apprehended and brought to justice.

Mr. Kirkland and the Beilschmidt brothers are Mr. Braginski's prime targets. As you are often found around the majority, he asks that you keep a close on them should they have a stash of vodka. Mr. Braginski will reward you in either military help in the next conflict or even giving you the honour of joining the Soviet Union itself. Should you refuse to help, Mr. Braginski will come to interview you personally over pechka baked pastila candies and warm drinks. He is sure that he will be able to convince you of his views on the missing vodka.

On another note, Mr. Braginski would like to visit should you accept his offer. Regardless of your descision, he wishes to come to Europe before the next meeting in order to investigate and asks that you provide him stead in Venice to escape the coldening months. Again should you refuse, he will continue to plan his visit accordingly. Mr. Braginski asks that you give him permission within the next twenty four hours so he does not have to force his way through border security.

He asks that you do not mention this issue concerning vodka to his family in worry for his safety and older sister's nerves. Be it that Ms. Natalia Braginski is alerted of his new location, he will paint the cobble along the Venice rivers an unsightly red colour, though he did not mention what sort of paint that he wished to use.

He looks forward to seeing you in short and should you hide, he will eat the pastila candies alone. As pastila takes a lengthened period of time to make, he will not make you anymore following his visit.

Please contact Mr. Braginski as soon as you deem possible and enjoy the rest of your day.

Sincerely

Mrs. Anya Blanchet


	5. Knock-Off Russian

Ivan

Ludwig won't let me have a secretary so I am contacting you on behalf of my awesome self.

Let's get down to business shall we? I don't have your vodka depp. I wouldn't give all the beer in the world for a stupid little bottle of Russian beer knock-off. Like c'mon! Everything about you is a knock-off! PRussia. Russia. I was here first! I am awesomer then your unawesomeness and I can awesome like nine hundred times better then you can with your secretary and office building and capital and land and union and actual existence and... Oh whatever! Even still, I have more awesome in a strand of my awesome hair which you so unawesomely copied the colour of. I don't know who took the vodka so leave me alone and stop scaring my little bruder or I shall reign my epicosity down upon your citizens!

I will have you know, that I, Gilbert Beilschmidt, have successfully intercepted your email to the brother of Mini Spain and he will not be interested in your weird Russian foods. Even if he tells you otherwise, it's out of fear! Not for the pastilamuh-call-its. Though if you will be coming down then bring extra for me.

Back to me! I am awesome and you're not. Did I mention that already? I can't wait to show Ludwig your stupid little letter to Mini Spain's brother (what's his name again?) and have him kick your ass! Maybe Roderich has your beer knock-off... You should go and kick him or something like that and find out. Only then might you be like a trillionth as awesome as mein awesome. Wait no! A gazilionth as awesome! That just proves how unawesome you truly are!

I am laughing at you from my laptop (Ludwig won't give me any office space without paying rent) at you! I don't have your silly knock-off and I am _so _awesome. I am running out of things to say since you are not worth my awesome time! The last thing I _will_ say is that if you set foot across the border of any European country, I will personally send a flock of birds to annoy and peck you and laugh a lot. Tremble in fear silly knock-off country! The power of the Gilbird-Gilbert alliance will rise against your silly vodka problem!

This is the end of my awesome letter

Gilbert AWESOME Beilschmidt


	6. The Voice of the Timid

Dear Mr. Kirkland

Mr. Williams would like to address the situation of you sending a quick note on "his behalf". He wishes to inform you that he can communicate with his brother as well as any other person. Though he appreciates your efforts in helping him, Mr. Williams is very keen to build his relations with Mr. Jones through his own ignored self and should you send another message, he would like an in person apology. He states that this could be arranged when you receive your apology from Mr. Beilschmidt. He would also like to arrange a possible meeting to discuss the next shipment of oil over tea at his house. It is not a mandatory meeting. Should you refuse to make an appearance, he will not be disheartened.

The incident of maple syrup being taken out of his fridge which Mr. Jones has contacted Mr. Williams over, is only a biannual occurrence, taking place during the Super Bowl and NHL Finals. He does not find this to be too much of an annoyance and find that at the most Mr. Jones' statements of American craft beer being better then Canadian the only annoying part of the whole ordeal. I, as his secretary, would like to inform you that your secretary, Jonathan Aikman, cannot take my job of notifying my boss' coworkers of his current status.

Unfortunately, Mr. Williams found that he was unable to obtain information on a certain bottle of vodka. Mr. Braginski has also contacted us of the situation. Should you make any entrance to Northern Italy in the near future, please do not venture into Venice for you own comfort and safety. In the more then likely case that this progresses, Mr. Williams has offered to buy more vodka for the lounge to make up for the theft.

Please allow my boss to make his own decisions in his relations with others in the future. Mr. Williams wishes you the best of days and luck with finding the vodka.

Sincerely

Annabelle Lablanche


End file.
